A black hole is threatening to swallow me. I know it is not mine, but it is swirling around me like a dark tornado, trying to pull me down into its depths. I want it to leave and never come back.
I received a call from a friend of my ex-husband. She is concerned that he has been drinking for 48 hours, knows he has recently been ill and is concerned about his nutrition. She is also concerned that he may be contemplating suicide. She does not know that he is an alcoholic, that he has been slowly killing himself for years, and has already been in such a dark place that he had a gun to his head. He gave her my phone number, as well as Ben's, as these are the only people he has in his life. She is stunned when I reaffirm that yes, we are the only people in his world. That is one of the consequences of his alcoholism.
I don't know what to do, how can I be sucked back into this dark hole when it has taken all my courage to extract myself. I can't save him, and it is the hardest thing I have had to bear in my life.
What a terrible burden for him to lay on you. I believe in choices, and that the choices we make are our own. For whatever reasons he chose his path, and to whatever degree you walked along with him you gave more than was his right. He should own no more of your life.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, to leave him to the consequences of his choices is hard. There is no way to ease your pain, but to encourage you to believe that the choices he makes are his own. Those who choose the paths of destruction do not deserve to take anyone with them.
I pray for you, that your heart will be strong. I pray for him, that he will choose a path of healing. If he chooses to remain on his current path, I pray that he will resolve the matter quickly. Then others may heal.
Be strong. You have shared that you have many who stand behind you. Let them hold you up. What you have shared up to this point shows that you have a heart for life. Hold to that.
Mike
I am so sorry you are being hit with this, but am glad to hear you say that you can't save him.
ReplyDeleteI have suffered from bouts of extreme suicidal depressions and have also had a gun to my head. The sad reality is that no outside agent can force us out of our own illness.
I know from my own experiences with depression (and alcohol) that we have to do our own work, find real professional resources who are actually professionally skilled in helping us.It is unfair and impossible for our friends and family to do that for us.
My experience was also that it just didn't work when they tried to save me from my suffering. It just kept me from taking responsibility. My poor family has suffered as a result of my depressions, but their was nothing they could do.
My best friend just went through the same thing with her only sibling who is alcoholic and homeless and near death.
It is so painful to know that we really can't save the people we love, but seems to be a lesson that many of us get to learn.
Praying for you and keeping you in my thoughts.
Jennifer
Thank you Jennifer, and Michael, for your words and your prayers. There is such power in "he should own no more of your life" and that saving people "seems to be a lesson that many of us get to learn". I am starting to find the blessing in this experience.
ReplyDeletePrayers and strong energy all coming your way. It is not your job, role, or path to save him. He may be saved, but it will not be by another person. You are in the right place, stay strong, protect yourself. He will find peace.
ReplyDeleteJust adding my voice in agreement with what has already been said. May you have strength & peace.
ReplyDeleteWhen I have been at a place in a relationship where I know that I cannot help someone & yet am very sad about where their choices have taken them, it helps to envision our higher selves communicating on another level where all is understood & the confusions of this earthly life are nonexistant. Elizabeth Gilbert spoke of something like this in her book, "Eat, Pray, Love," when she told about her ex-husband's higher self communicating with her higher self.
Thank you so much Katie and dw.
ReplyDeleteI spoke with my son today, who is such a wise one, and he said "I cannot help someone who does not want to help them self". I then try to take it to the higher level, knowing I do not know the path he has chosen, for what purpose, and trust his Higher Self to guide him through his journey.
Thank you, thank you.